Being a father today is absurdly frustrating.
Much of the 1980’s generation was raised without any real tradition or definite transition into manhood leaves one feeling as Ben Greenfield puts it, as a ‘Boy Who Shaves’.
On one hand, what we should be doing as fathers is right in front of us. Keeping the family moving, maintaining the house, teaching our kids how to become respectable members of society.
But for many fathers we have allowed our existence to be akin to Homer Simpson. The father who is just another irresponsible kid. Wives who run the household, when they are gone for a day the world seemingly falls apart.
Fathers lack the discipline, confidence and in many cases the ‘authority’ to keep the house moving. “That’s above my paygrade” is a common joke subtly putting men and fathers in their ‘place’. The expectation is that all hell will break loose when dad is in charge.
On one hand we could argue that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy for mothers, yet on the other hand nobody is really making fathers helpless.
It’s the father’s decision to let their kids be babysat by iPads and videogames. It’s the father fault that kids lack the confidence to stand up for themselves. It’s the fathers fault the kids whine and complain then told to sweep the floor or unload the dishwasher. And it’s the fathers fault the kids do not know how to do a great job at each task they are assigned.
When fathers are frustrated with our kids, we should be frustrated with ourselves. But that frustration must be internal. We cannot lay our shortcomings on our children.
We cannot lash out and take it out on them, we cannot blame mom for telling everyone to clean up. Because then we are just another kid. And our children see it too.
Kids do not listen but they do imitate. Let that marinate….
When we are frustrated with our children and their actions, we must remember they learned it somewhere. Do not only tell them what to do, explain why it is important, and then show them through your example every day.
Even though most thirtysomething men never had a rite of passage into manhood, it’s not too late.
Create your own rite of passage, find god, find some purpose that is bigger than you and lean into it. We all have a reason for existence, we have to. If you want to believe otherwise keep going in the direction you came and you’ll end up in the same place, just with 50 some years of regret in your rucksack. And the weight of that regret gets exponentially heavier.
Regarding being the ‘Homer Simpson’ of your family, while breaking out of this may be tedious and frustrating, it’s a choice. Set ground rules for what you will and will not accept from yourself, for the example you will model, and recognize you have an uphill battle.
Make reminders, create your own user manual of goals, objectives, tendencies, notes on how you operate the best and refer to it daily. Make or reenergize traditions for your family, do the legwork to get them going because someone must. Workout with your kids, set the example and make them your world.
Our children are watching us, not only as fathers but as leaders, as athletes, as scholars, as friends and as an example of what a man is.
Does that scare the hell out of you?
Good.
Then it means something.
It’s on you to do something about it.
It’s no one else’s job. Look inside, look outside, find the strength wherever you need to.
And Lead yourself and family out of frustration.